Stop Trying to Get Out of the Crisis
We don't become resilient by becoming harder. We become resilient by becoming more adaptable while remaining deeply connected to who we are.
The other day I came across an article called How to Get to the Other Side of a Crisis. It was thoughtful and well-written, but something about it stayed with me.
The underlying message seemed to be that the goal of a crisis is to get out of it. To push through it. To solve it get over it. To leave it behind so that life can finally become calm, happy and uncomplicated again.
But from my professional, and personal, experience life rarely works like that. I find that life isn't a series of problems, crisis, inner turmoil to solve so we can finally begin living? In my experience, it rarely unfolds like that. Just when life feels settled, calm or even pleasantly ordinary, something shifts. A relationship changes. A loved one becomes ill. A career takes an unexpected turn. We move country. Our children grow up. We lose confidence. We question who we are.
Life moves. Storms come and go. And perhaps our task isn't to eliminate them, but to learn how to live well within them. But for this to happen we need to daily nurture our inner resilience, our ability to adapt
Inner turmoil Is Not an Event. It Is Part of Life.
The people I work with rarely come to me because of one isolated incident. They might think that is the case but when exploring their life, they have lived through many. Some experiences have strengthened them. Others have quietly shaped the stories they tell about themselves. Perhaps anxiety has become their constant companion. Perhaps they have become exhausted from always trying to hold everything together and now live in chronical stress without even realising it.
Each crisis and conflict leaves traces. Some become wisdom. Others become fear. Narrative therapy teaches us that it isn't only what happened that matters, it is the meaning we give those experiences. Those meanings often continue to shape our lives long after the event itself has passed.
Step One: Meet Yourself with Curiosity
When life feels overwhelming, our first instinct is often to escape the feeling. Instead, I invite people to become curious. Not judgemental. Curious. How did I arrive here? What stories from my past are influencing how I experience this situation today? Maybe you weren't emotionally supported, so today other people's emotions feel overwhelming and something you avoid. Maybe you lost an important job and now quietly believe you're not good enough. Maybe past relationships taught you that you aren't accepted, valued or safe to belong. Or recently the world seems like a very unsettling place to live so it is hard to try to live a normal life well.
The goal isn't to blame someone or the past. It is simply to understand how yesterday is speaking into today.
Step Two: Change the Meaning, Not the Past
We cannot rewrite what happened. But we can rewrite what it means. One difficult chapter does not become the title of your next. One past or current failure does not become your identity. One rejection does not define your worth. Our stories are always unfinished.
Through Narrative Therapy we begin separating ourselves from the problem. Instead of asking, what happened or saying, I am not confident. We begin asking, when did I begin believing that?
Step Three: Manage Your Identity Team
Are You Protecting Yourself in Ways That No Longer Serve You?
One of the ideas at the heart of my work is what I call the Protective Identity. This is the version of ourselves that developed to keep us safe. She may tell you to stay quiet. Don't take up space. Play safe and small. Be realistic. Don't ask for too much. Don't disappoint anyone. Don't risk failing. Stay where you are.
At one point, these strategies may have genuinely protected you. But what protected you then may now be preventing you from fully living. Your Protective Identity isn't your enemy. She simply believes the danger is still present. Your nervous system in constantly in fight and flight mode and you have little resilience to stand against it. She needs compassion, not criticism. Meet her with love, kindness and thank you for her hard work but now she deserves a nice long vacation.
Reconnecting with Your Core Identity
Beneath every Protective Identity lives something much deeper. I call this your Core Identity. This is the part of you that holds your wisdom, values, creativity, courage and intuition. The version of you that once believed anything was possible. The part of you that knew how to play, imagine, trust and recover. Your Core Identity hasn't disappeared. It has simply become quieter beneath years of survival.
Through stillness, nervous system regulation, reflection and compassionate curiosity, you can begin listening to her again.
Becoming Your Seasonal Identity
Life asks different things of us in different seasons. Who you needed to be at i.e. twenty is different from who you need to be today, still connect, but different.
This is why I introduce the idea of the Seasonal Identity. Your Seasonal Identity isn't about becoming someone new. It is about consciously choosing how you want and need to show up as in this season of your life. It draws wisdom from your Core Identity. It honours the concerns of your Protective Identity. And together they create a version of you that is capable of meeting today's reality, without yesterday's fears.
Psychological flexibility.
One of the strongest predictors of wellbeing isn't having fewer problems. It's the ability to adapt without abandoning yourself. Your Seasonal Identity is essentially a model of psychological flexibility. It is an identity built for this chapter and still honourer the last one, where you slowly start build resilience so you can be in crisis, conflicts and inner turmoil without fully stepping into your protective identity but merely draw some helpful traits from her.
STEP 4: Action Comes Last
Many people begin with action, WHAT CAN/SHOULD I DO. I believe action comes later. Not because action isn't important. But because meaningful action grows from safety, awanress and curiosity. Once your nervous system begins to feel safe, you stop fighting yourself, you reconnect with your own wisdom and start trusting yourself, the next step often becomes surprisingly clear. You know what needs to change. You know what conversation needs to happen. You know which boundary needs to be set. You know what you need to let go of. You know what you need to do or not do. You know, what you need to know when you know it..
Action becomes less about forcing and manipulating yourself forward and more about following yourself forward. Trust, not control.
Living Well in the Storm
Stillness in Motion is not about waiting for life to become easier and do nothing while we wait – there is a time for doing and a time for being. Like Buddhism says (not that I am religious, but still there is some wisdom to be drawn from here), trust in Allah, but tie your camel. It is about learning to remain connected to yourself while life continues moving around you. There will always be another transition. Another uncertainty. Another season.
Resilience is not built by avoiding storms. It is built by learning how to stand within them without losing yourself. Perhaps the goal isn't getting to the other side of the crisis. Perhaps the goal is becoming the kind of person who knows how to live well, wherever life happens to be today.
STEP 5: Practise Living as Your Seasonal Identity
Before taking big action, people need to experiment. This is where most approaches fail. They tell people, "Now go and change your life." But their nervous system still isn't convinced it's safe. It has not experienced safely yet.
Instead, ask: If I were already living as my Seasonal Identity, what would I do today? Not next year. Today. Perhaps: I would answer that email or text differently. I would say no without apologising. I would take a walk instead of overthinking and not believe everything think. I would ask for help or share my inner turmoil without fear of judgement. I would apply for that job without fear of not getting it. I would rest instead of proving myself.
These are identity experiments, not life transformations. Every small action teaches the nervous system: We're safe. We survived. Maybe this new meaning to my life is true. That is how identity changes that lead to resilience.
STEP 6: Build Practices, Not Perfection: maintenance of resilience.
A crisis isn't managed one time. It is navigated repeatedly. Instead of asking, How do I stop feeling anxious? We ask, what helps me return to myself when anxiety visits?
This is where Stillness in Motion becomes a way of living: Daily anchors. Small rituals. Nature. Movement. Sleep. Nourishing food. Creativity. Journaling. Connection. Boundaries. Stillness. Live well.
These aren't things you do because you're broken and in the moment you feel broken. They're how you maintain your relationship with yourself. Just as athletes don't only train before a race, resilient people don't only care for themselves during a crisis. They build capacity between storms. It becomes a way of living.
Then Action Looks Different
Notice that action is no longer about solving the crisis, what to DO. It becomes about asking: What is within my control? What kind of person do I want to be while this is happening? What one small step would make today 5% (or more) easier? What can I let go of that isn't mine to carry? What needs accepting rather than fixing? Where can I find moments of psychological flexibility.
One of the strongest predictors of wellbeing isn't having fewer problems. It's the ability to adapt without abandoning yourself. Your Seasonal Identity is essentially a model of psychological flexibility. joy, beauty or meaning despite this? That is very different from "fix your life."
Live well becomes a lifestyle that strengthen your resilience for stormy weather
Your Brain Will Thank You
Mette Theilmann
