It can be really difficult for parents to know how to deal with a child in distress. Emotional outbursts from kids are among parents’ biggest challenges; it can be really hard to understand, know what to do and say (or NOT), or prevent it from happening. Likewise. it can be really hard for the child to be ‘in’ the tornado of an emotional outburst, particularly if the adult around them doesn’t know how to handle the situation.
We need to be sensitive to the fact that a tantrum and a meltdown are not the same and therefore need to be dealt with differently, and with sensitivity.
Key advice for both a tantrum and a meltdown
Don’t just do ‘something’! And by this I mean first make sure you ‘do no harm’ – it is very easy to fall into the trap of making things worse by just doing something that is not thought through!
Do not
- For both a tantrum and meltdown DON’T try to use reason or logic:‘ but you will be tired tomorrow’, ‘NO I WON’T’, ‘but you will not be able to eat your dinner’, ‘YES I WILL’, or ‘you have to wear that shirt to school’, ‘BUT IT HURTS’…..they cannot hear you right now they are in their own world of deep emotions!
- DON’T try to talk your child out of the feeling: ‘Stop being so silly’, ‘you will get better soon’, ‘it is not that loud’, ‘don’t get so upset about it’ etc. These judgements from us will not help the child learn to calm themselves. It is not our ‘job’ to control and decide how they feel, nor what is a right or wrong feeling for them, but to teach them to become aware of these feelings and then decide what to do with them. We can’t get rid of a feeling but we can learn to control it so it doesn’t hijack the outcome.
Try instead
Be sensitive: A tantrum or a meltdown is not a nice place to be for the child and it is important to be sensitive to this and keep reminding ourselves that the child isn’t enjoying it or feeling good right now.
- Stay calm, role model: the best thing you can do is to teach yourself calming strategies so you can help your child stay calm and get the situation under control. Our kids mirror everything we do and say. It will not help the situation to go ‘hard against hard’, where we raise our voice and yell at them with frustration and anger. It will only get worse. Try to keep your voice low and neutral to show that we are in control of ourselves and what we do and say, and how we do and say it. This will make us safe to be with because we send a signal to the child that, ‘we are ok, we are under control’ and there is no danger that we will suddenly start screaming or shaming and blaming. Here is a little tip on how you can control yourself: before you do and say anything STOP and BREATHE. Just PAUSE and check in with yourself and your emotions: ‘I am so mad right now and that is OK, this is my feeling – but I don’t want this emotions to hijack how I behave, or set the scene’.
- Less is more: words can be a dangerous thing. Keep what you want to say at a minimum. If we lapse into verbal diarrhoea we are in danger of getting carried away and saying things we don’t mean or regret later. Plus, the more we speak the less they listen! Did you know that only 7% of our communication need to be word! The rest is tone, body language and our focus!!
- Stay curious, not furious: understanding the WHY is the key here. All behaviour has a meaning and our kid’s behaviour is their way of communicating – ‘telling us something’. They most likely don’t have the skills (yet) to say, ‘mum, dad I am feeling very upset because my little brother took my toy and I need some help here’. Look for the trigger to their tantrum or meltdown: are they tired, sad, feeling unfairly treated, over-stimulated etc. Then try to avoid the trigger or simple be aware of them.
Difference between a tantrum and a meltdown
Tantrums have a purpose i.e. the child wants something they can’t have. The tantrum normally stops when the child has got what he wants, or we as adults have changed the strategy of how we deal with the tantrum. A tantrum is normally milder and a child tries to exert some level of control over his behaviour. Tantrums are normally when a child struggles to deal with his own emotions, i.e. anger or disappointment. The child wants something, can’t get it and then gets angry as they feel they ‘deserve or have a right’ to it.
A meltdown is usually a reaction to being overwhelmed or overloaded in some way. This might be due to sensory overload – too much information from their senses – i.e. sounds, sights, texture, tastes, touch, smell etc. The emotional part of the stressor causes the child to go into ‘fight, flight or freeze’ mode. Meltdowns often happen in highly sensitive children because they can react very quickly to internal and external experiences. Meltdown is when a child’s environment is ‘too much’ and he can’t say, ‘mum, dad I really think it is too loud in here so can we go?’, or, ‘I am so tired and don’t want to play any more’, or, ‘I don’t like the feeling of the t-shirt, can I choose another one’, and so on.
Tantrums normally get milder or stop altogether if we ignore ‘it’, i.e. we ignore the unwanted behaviour, not the child. Whereas a child with a meltdown often feels that they have lost all sense of control (due to the overload from outside) and can only calm down by getting the right support from adults around them.
How to respond to a tantrum or a meltdown
Teach children the skills they are lacking: impulse control, problem solving, delaying, negotiating, communication of wishes, self-soothing.
Try instead
When dealing with both a tantrum and a meltdown always come from a place of:
- Listening: I can hear you are really upset…CLICK here to read more about ‘how to listen‘
- Understanding: because your brother took your toy…
- Accepting: and I totally get that…
Listening, understanding and accepting how the child feels is NOT the same as agreeing.
With tantrums make sure that the child doesn’t get a positive result from his behaviour. First acknowledge that you can hear (LISTEN) that he is upset and that you get why (UNDERSTAND) and then try to leave it there. There is no need to join in with the ‘tornado’. You can ignore the unwanted behaviour but the main thing is to re-engage once the tantrum has subsided. This sends a signal that they will get your full attention once the behaviour has calmed down. Kids may have learned from our reinforcement to have a tantrum since the tantrum gets a result (they get our attention or what they want etc.) so the most important thing is not to give in to a tantrum. We can ‘teach’ them that this kind of behaviour doesn’t get results.
It is not advisable to ignore a meltdown, your child really needs you and your help to calm down here. First check what is going on in the environment that might have triggered it. Is he really tired and just needs to go home or leave the place? Is there too much noise? Maybe they DO need to put on another shirt?! Stay with the child. I would not advise you to hug them but you can ask, ‘do you need a hug?’. Stay close enough so the child feels supported and you can say, ‘I am here when you need me’. Give them space but in a caring a safe environment where they know you are there when need you. Let them know that you can contain their emotions by controling your self!
Don’t judge, think positive: Sensitive children quickly ‘read’ the environment and detect negative feelings (even mild ones) and it can really make a meltdown spiral if they sense that you are thinking, ‘oh no here she goes again’, ‘I can’t deal with this’, ‘I am so sick of this’ etc. Instead, check in with yourself, stay calm and challenge your negative self-thoughts: ‘I can deal with this’, ‘she needs my help’, ‘she has so many great qualities’ etc.
Afterwards
Don’t try to problem solve with your child during the tantrum or meltdown as it will not be effective; they are too absorbed in their feelings. Afterwards you can sit down and talk about what caused it and discuss how you can help the child next time. For instance, ‘you got really upset there Sam, and I get it, there were too many kids there, that upset you and that is OK. What can we do next time or what do you need from me?’. You can talk about where and how he felt it, his triggers. Maybe you can have a ‘sign’ together that he can use to tell you that he is about to get upset and it is time to leave…CLICK here to read more about how to problem solve with our kids.
Praise your child when he DOES try to soothe himself during an outburst, ‘I can see you are trying really hard not to scream, that is really brave of you’. Or afterwards you can say, ‘you know what Sam, I could see that you really tried not to get so upset and that was very big of you’.
Remember this is not about you but your child….and keep it there.
Good luck, Mette Theilmann
Mette Theilmann, Founder of Predictable Parenting and creator of The Parenting Community App